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[12 Dec 2006|01:12am] |
the bad news is that i have some new ailment. hemosomething ursomething syndrome. basically it just means that if i take an aspirin my kidneys will start to tear my blood vessels apart. it sounds scary, but it's pretty easy to just take a tylenol instead of an aleeve if i'm hungover.
the good news is that it'll be at least 2 months before i have to go back into chemo. which is cool because without eyebrows and eyelashes people look like aliens. true story. plus it frees me up to do some traveling. specifically to florida where, with my health regained, i will resume viciously and mercilessly abusing my liver.
remember in grade school "science class" when they would have you put a piece of celery into a glass of water with food coloring in it? and then the celery would turn that color and stuff? that was cool... i want to do that again. better yet, i want someone to do it for me and then put it in front of me and then leave.
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| i guess this is me running out of shit to babble about. |
[15 Nov 2006|07:36pm] |
i don't like to complain. i don't like to give the impression i'm looking for sympathy. but this chemo shit has got to end. i don't think i've ever known fatigue like this in my life. i mean, even on my week off i still walk around feeling like there are weights tied to my arms and legs. and doctors are the most useless people on earth. what advice do they give me? "get more excercise". brilliant. i walk ten feet and feel like i need to take a nap, and to remedy this i should be doing sit-ups.
i'm in a very bitter mood. even more so because i should be pretty happy for almost everyone else in my life right now.
one friend just had a daughter, two friends just found out their second child is going to be another boy, birthdays, better jobs, etc. etc.
everyone is doing really well all at once. so why am i so pissy these days.
maybe it's because i don't own final fantasy 12 yet. or maybe it's because i was supposed to move back out of my parent's house over a month ago. blah blah blah.
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[08 Oct 2006|08:56pm] |
my brother came to visit! he didn't tell anyone he was coming, he just showed up. and considering i hadn't seen him in about 4 years, that's a pretty huge deal for me. naturally the first thing we did was go out to a bar. which led to another bar. after that it's a bit fuzzy, but we got kicked out of tattooed mom's because he peed on a car right outside the door, then we met a few girls who took us to another bar and bought us drinks and then when one girl told my brother to go get her a beer we split. i felt a little bad, but not so much that i didn't laugh the whole way home and a little the next day.
partying. lots of partying. and now he's gone and i know that it's actually possible to have a hangover that lasts over 24 hours. in case anyone was wondering.
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[28 Sep 2006|12:51pm] |
i guess i haven't updated in a while. but in my defense, last week i got a fortune cookie that told me i should keep my affairs private. who am i to tempt fate?
i need an idea for a new story. i finished my last one a month or so ago, and now i have nothing to consume my life. except alcohol, of course. it might be cool to give sci-fi a shot, but i'm not sure how well i could pull that off and the fact is, i'm already a huge geek. i think writing a sci-fi novella would be one of the few things that could make me even more of a loser. either way, i think maybe i should either start looking for some kind of publishing or just find a new hobby.
i haven't touched my drums in months.
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[17 Aug 2006|12:56am] |
pretty much all i've been doing for the last few weeks is getting stoned, getting drunk, and playing video games. not only are my higher brain functions slowly going down the toilet, but i'm just sort of bored with it. how did this sustain me through college? i've been saying it for a long time, but i think i just need some sort of drastic change of pace. today i caught myself watching gilligan's island and thinking to myself, "those guys had it made."
think about it. nearly perfect weather all the time. you sleep in a pretty sweet hammock. there's a guy who can make anything out of coconuts and twine. and every now and then a russian astronaut or smart gorilla shows up to spice things up a bit. ginger and mary ann are nothing to scoff at either.
i'm even giving thought to asking my brother to let me stay with him for a while, and possibly moving out to california for a while. i have no idea what he's going to say though. i haven't even seen him in years. and of course i'd have to wait for this latest cancer thing to pass before i can do anything.
who knows, maybe i just need a new hobby. i could learn to quilt, or play the harpsichord.
by the way, have you ever heard the first chord to a song you love and gotten chills all over your body? i love it when that happens. it just happened to the opening of "time warp". which reminds me that fall is coming, which means halloween, which means rocky horror picture show is going to be coming back around. good times.
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[17 Jul 2006|12:50am] |
i can't tell you what a joy it is to just have morphine laying about the house. morphine i'm allowed to have! for instance right now, i'm not tired but it's late enough already that there's nothing to do. so i'm going to go upstairs in a few minutes, take some morphine, and play some video games. and while i realize that this might sound dull to a lot of people, you have to understand that this is combining two of my favorite hobbies. shooting aliens in the face and getting out of my skull.
i think i'm starting to get katie out of my system. now i only think about her once a day. sometimes being incredibly absent minded works in my favor. and i guess it helps that i don't actually *want* to be this enamored with a girl.
man, i'm screwed up.
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[09 Jul 2006|10:05pm] |
tomorrow i start chemo again. goodbye beard, i hardly knew ye.
i wouldn't mind that much, because it's outpatient, so it shouldn't be too hard. but i had to go to the hospital yesterday for some crazy back pain i had. they think i either had a kidney stone and then it broke up, or i tore a muscle near my spine. although i did get morphine out of it (and enough in pill form to last me weeks), i just hate being in the hospital all the time. it's not like i'm doing much with my life right now, but how can i help but feel as though i'm missing out?
besides, july is just a terrible time to be sick. new med school graduates are the most helpless people on earth.
also, i think i might be a stalker.
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[22 Jun 2006|10:07pm] |
back from bonnaroo. it was... great.
great music, great people, great drugs, great everything. and during tom petty's set stevie nicks came out and blew everyone away with a cover of "gloria". my mind is still sort of recovering from all of this. and i got to see les claypool twice in one weekend, once with oysterhead (who haven't played in 5 years). as tired and scattered as i am right now, i feel totally refreshed. this trip was exactly what i needed and then some. i even met a girl who i was genuinely interested in. romantically speaking, that is. i got shot down, but seeing as how she lives in california, it's not eating at me too badly. it will eventually, but it's nothing a few nights of heavy drinking and self destructive behavior can't cure.
i also listened to matisyahu for the first time. i don't even like most reggae, but he was pretty fucking good. i was impressed. and we listened to a little regina spektor in the car. much to my amusement, i liked her too. i'm really too tired to think back and even relay the highlights of that weekend, especially since only a hippie burnout like myself would have any interest.
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[04 Jun 2006|03:46am] |
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Velvet Underground & Nico- Chelsea Girls |
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i need to start sleeping. i need to start eating something besides ramen and the occaisonal bag of chips. i need to stop smoking. i need to stop watching trainspotting late at night. i need to make an effort to see the sun now and again. i need to stop ignoring my problems. i need to find a girl my own age. i need to stop drinking just to pass the time. i need to start seriously writing again. i need to pay more attention to my family. either that, or i need to get out of this place. i'd settle for that.
and i wish it would rain again.
for the first time, i'm actually concerned about my health. more than concerned. a little shaken. "scared" isn't really the term for it. it's not that i'm trying to be all macho or anything like that. i just can't help but feel detatched from all this nonsense. in the few moments i've taken to review my life, i guess it's been a bit surreal at points. but anyway, there's a new spot that popped up on a recent MRI. and it's either very close to, or directly on my heart. my options are as follows:
1. surgery. it would be incredibly risky, and the recovery time would be... lengthy. followed by chemo.
2. chemo. seeing as i've already went through the most intense chemotherapy available to my particular ailment, this barely counts as an option. it would most likely be pointless, except to slow things down until another option becomes available.
3. faith healing? nevermind. i'm not into the whole slap on the forehead and then i'm on the floor, speaking in tongues scene.
all in all, i have to confess it seems pretty dismal. but my biggest concern here is my lack of concern. i mean, things were pretty bad when this all started, but at least there was a variety of ways to go about things.
this is getting pretty old.
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[22 May 2006|07:21pm] |
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Grateful Dead- Friend of the Devil |
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yesterday i went back to my old summercamp for an alumni reunion/fundraiser barbeque thing. it was intense. it was over at 5, but i ended up staying until about 2am hanging out with old friends and actually making some new ones. fishing, ultimate frisbee (with a light up frisbee that changes colors, you'd love it matt), and most of the people were gone we took a few canoes down the river and smoked a blunt under the most clear starlight i've seen in years.
i also picked up a job application, and there's a very good chance i'll be working there this summer. there are some problems which became quickly obvious.
1) bonnaroo. it takes place during the staff orientation week. i'm not going to miss this concert, no matter what.
2) i was supposed to go out and see my brother this summer. i feel lousy for my willingness to give this up. i haven't seen him in about 4 years, and it should be my top priority.
3) medical shit. i don't need or want to get into that right now.
oh yeah, and we got to play the greatest camp game of all camp games. it's called "conquering the new world". imagine capture the flag, but everyone is on crack. there are four tribes, each wearing facepaint of their tribe's color and each with their own battlecry. picture if you will, sneaking along side of a path in your enemy's territory only to hear a sudden crashing in the underbrush and the sound of about eight 12 year olds in red facepaint stampeding towards you. your shrieks are drowned out by the chanting of their warcry and you know that even if you get away from them, other members of the red tribe are on their way. the next time anyone from your tribe sees you, you're clinging to the top branches of a pine tree for dear life.
i need to find people to play this game in the park or something.
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[11 May 2006|04:15am] |
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Los Fabulosos Cadillacs- El Matador |
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i think sean moved out. i mean, his stuff is here, and i know he slept here one night, but other than him yelling "i have to work tomorrow!" through his door, i haven't noticed his presence here since friday. when he got his ass kicked. which was every bit as funny as i thought it might be.
i still can't believe he bit matt.
which reminds me. kids, fire extinguishers are carrying some new chemical that's not very fun to play with. in fact, you'll feel like you can't breathe, and right after you claw your way out of the yellow cloud, you'll probably throw up. so it's still a little fun, just not like the old days.
AND SEAN FUCKING DID IT AGAIN. he tattled again. so now they blame me for... whatever is happening. i'm not really sure. but anyway, it's given me another reason to want to get the fuck out of dodge. my parents are way too close to me here. they know way too much and we're just too close. geographically. when i was in vermont, we talked about once every other month, and that was fine. it's been proven that we get along much better when we don't have to see each other that often. in fact, the farther away i am, the more pleasant our relationship becomes.
i'm just so relieved that this whole thing seems to be drawing to a close.
fuck, i'm tired.
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[02 May 2006|11:34am] |
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Bela Fleck- Aimum |
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CAMERON FINALLY WARMED UP TO ME LAST NIGHT!
it was awesome. for no reason whatsoever he came over to me and told me that i should take him outside to play, so i agreed, and we spent the next few hours finding dandelions to stomp on, collecting cool sticks, drumming on the drain pipe, poking ants with the cool sticks we found, fighting with the sticks (which is a long process of going "ayah!", then dying, then yelling "i'm alive!" and starting all over again), and spinning in circles until we fell over.
i really do like kids, i just never know how to act in front of them, so i get weirded out. but last night was so much fun. and it's nice to have such a great little kid want your attention so much. even after we went inside he sat on my lap and made me play a guitar with him.
haha and the best part of the night. his mom-mom was trying to get him to say he loved her, but he was eating and easily distracted. so she goes "who do you love the most?", and his answer, of course, was "mommy". then "daddy", and his third answer was "uncle eric" awwwwwww hahaha.
i know this is really boring for everyone else, but i'm still really excited about it. cam is the greatest child on earth.
i think there was some other big thing that happened, but i forget what it was and there's no way it could be more important than my day with cam.
the lease is up in july, and i don't even care where i end up, just as long as i'm not with sean.
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[25 Apr 2006|10:45am] |
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Foghat- Slow Ride |
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i'm on hold. i've been on hold for about 25 minutes. but it's either this, or let my electricty get shut off in 2 days. i guess the bright side here is that i get to let out all my snarky comments to the machines. i feel bad being rude to the actual people, no matter how clueless they might be.
i'm also trying to figure out when my lease runs out. i can't live with sean anymore. i just can't do it. i think another year with him would really just change me for the worse. and frankly, i really can't afford to get much worse. but anyway, at least now i won't have to face a self-righteous lecture when this comes up. apparently he went to my parent's house and tattled on me. he just told them how irresponsible i've been lately. and i don't disagree, but i think we're a little old for behavior like this. there's no reason why he had to bring them into this, he should have brought it up with me. anyway, i don't think it will come as a great shock when i tell him i'm not interested in... being around him anymore.
i think my biggest concern is actually that i hope i'm still here by mid-june. i'd like to have a place for my friends to crash before we leave for bonnaroo.
oh yeah, and thanks to sean, my parents are going to put me back in therapy. i know i'm old enough that i could just say no, but they've done a lot for me the last few years. if this will make them feel more comfortable, then it seems like a small sacrifice on my part. thanks, sean. you fucking prick. you shit stain. you petty and hypocritical, backstabbing, morbidly obese sack of filth.
he's not really fat. but it's more fun to think of him that way.
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| "deus ex machina" is a very fine expression indeed. |
[16 Apr 2006|09:48am] |
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Robert Cray- Poor Johnny |
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for some reason i was asked to be at my parent's house for dinner tonite. i know, it's easter. but we don't really celebrate easter. quakers as a whole don't really seem to get too worked up for any holiday, now that i think about it.
it's odd. one part of my family could care less about religion, and the other part is deeply religious. not in any fanatical sense, it's not as if they try to "convert" the rest of us or anything. it's more that ingrained sense of duty towards the church than actual faith.
anyway, this holiday is having the same effect on me every holiday does. i start thinking about where i was this time last year, and then i get mildly depressed because i realize that i haven't done anything important or notable since then.
i've totally lost my train of thought. that's assuming i actually had one to begin with. i'm tired. another night of coffee and cigarettes instead of sleep.
ever notice how after your 5th cup of coffee your teeth start to feel all gritty and dry? weird.
i don't have any milk, but i've found that hot chocolate mix actually works as an acceptable substitute for both cream and sugar. although the coffee always tastes a little sour. i didn't say it was perfect. just acceptable.
i'm reading the talisman again. written by stephen king and peter straub. excellent book. i've actually forgotten just how good it is. exceptionally well written. and i'm not even a straub fan. i guess they work well together? i don't know. i don't fully understand the concept of two authors writing one book.
gaby said something recently that kind of made me smile. all writers really are obsessed with themselves. it's either self-love or self-loathing that seems to keep them afloat. don't know why i just remembered that, and she put it much better than i did... but yeah...
it's about time i see a man about a dog.
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[11 Apr 2006|04:56am] |
just got home from the shore. for some reason we decided at about midnight to make the hour drive down to ocean city. and you know what? totally fucking worth it.
i took some very nice pictures of the empty boardwalk and the pier lit up by the moonlight, we told ghost stories on the beach and played in the surf. i'm pretty beat now, but i had a great night. i should post some of those pictures later.
in other news, i'm going to set someone on fire.
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[06 Apr 2006|05:15pm] |
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Frank Zappa- Dead Girls of London |
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so i was at my parent's yesterday, and i came back with a shitload of amazing records. i mean like... cream, the jimi hendrix experience, pink floyd, rolling stones, simon and garfunkel, neil young, ray charles... the list goes on and on. my mom rocks so hard haha.
but the big score was an album i didn't even know she still had. Sesame Street, "Born To Add". it's a cover album of great rock hits, but you know... for kids. i used to listen to this record over and over again when i was little. let's go over the tracks:
SIDE ONE:
Born To Add- Bruce Stringbean and the S Street Band
Letter B- The Sesame Street Beetles
Count Up To Nine- The Count with Ftatateeta and the Bats
The Opposite Song- Chris and the Alphabeats
The Ten Commandments of Health- Dr. Thad and the Medications
Honk Around A Clock- The Honkers
Me Going To Munch You, Munch You, Munch You- Cookie Monster and the Crumbs Unlimited Orchestra
SIDE TWO:
(I Can't Get No) Co-Operation- Mick Swagger and the Sesame Street Cobble Stones
With Every Beat Of My Heart- Little Jerry and the Monotones
I Wish I Had A Friend To Play With Me- Bert
Count It Higher- Chris and the Alphabeats
I Want A Monster To Be My Friend- A Little Girl
Hey Food- Cookie Monster and the Sesame Street Beetles
CLASSIC.
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[05 Apr 2006|02:57pm] |
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Primus- Ballad of Bodacious |
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ohhh man... i haven't slept in a while. i'm back to surviving off coffee and cheap cigarettes. and primus.
who's gonna ride BODACIOUS, who's gonna tame him down
look out for BODACIOUS, he's bound to hold his ground
here comes the BODACIOUS, y'all just step aside
big and bad BODACIOUS, takes a toll from those who ride
somewhere around 5am i decided to shave my head. there was a good reason behind it, but now i can't remember what it was.
a few hours ago i accepted a call from PECO (i always know it's them because it says the number is unknown). but i think i scared off the lady when i tried to have a real discussion with her. she got off the phone in a hurry. i should remember that for next time.
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[31 Mar 2006|12:17pm] |
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The Who- Magic Bus |
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I FINALLY ORDERED MY BONNAROO TICKET! but it doesn't arrive until june 1st, so until then i'm going to be bouncing off the walls.
in the meantime, i owe the electric company over $300, so i should probably figure out a way to deal with that. the job search is not going well at all.
i think there was some big news, but it's hard to concentrate when i'm indoors and it's 65 out. time to go to the park.
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[25 Mar 2006|04:28pm] |
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Pain- Sucker Punch |
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so i know i talk a lot of shit about sean, my roommate, but that's really because he's an ass and frankly i find everything about our relationship to be either wildly funny or... what's a good word for when you're so angry you feel like you're about to burst a blood vessel in your brain?
so sean isn't talking to me now, and here's why haha. we were drinking with a few people and i brought up this girl i hooked up with a while back, and... scene!
sean: you never told me you hooked up with her.
me: why would i tell you that?
sean: i tell you about all the girls i hook up with.
me: yeah... but i've never asked you to.
sean: fine, i guess we aren't those kinds of friends.
me: you mean friends who are also gay lovers? no, we are not those kinds of friends.
and then i made some comment about how he must be upset because of the razor burn on his vagina... and that probably wasn't really necessary. but either way, he's been gone for two days, and i now remember why students get all excited about spring break. talk about a breath of fresh air.
other than that, i've been fainting lately. it happened once before, but it's happened 5 times in the last week. my biggest concern is that it'll happen in public and someone will take my wallet while i'm unconscious. not that i have any money in there... but i guess i've got a lot of ticket stubs and fortunes (as in from fortune cookies) i'd hate to lose.
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prosophobia's journal
